Today I need to vent. Lately, I have been feeling really guilty because I'm not enjoying this pregnancy as much as I should. When I was young, my dream and ultimate goal in life was to be a wife and mother. I couldn't wait to be pregnant. I would play house and have a big pillow under my shirt pretending I was pregnant. I can now say that it's definitely not what my 10-year-old mind thought it would be. When I found out I was pregnant I was immediately over the moon happy. I started thinking about what it was going to be like and if it would be anything like what I'd dreamed it to be. It didn't take long to realize I would be wrong. I have no reason to feel this way which makes it even harder to understand. I have had the EASIEST pregnancy of all time. No sickness whatsoever, no medical issues and a very healthy and perfect baby growing inside me. I do not take that for granted and am so thankful for it but I just wanted to be this jolly and glowing pregnant lady. It has literally made me feel like a completely different person. Almost like I don't even know who I am sometimes. I look in the mirror and don't even recognize myself. The weight gain is a part of this, I know that, but it's hard for me to accept. I've never been a small girl anyway and adding an extra 25 to 40 pounds is a lot for me to carry. Rolling over that 200 pound mark really hit me hard and made me feel even worse about myself. I have not one single stretch mark on my stomach, which is awesome, right? Well, the ones on my legs and sides make up for it and it's just so frustrating. Stretch marks and I go way back so it's not like they are a shock to me. When I hit my senior year of highschool I started to get them on my inner thighs and a few on my sides but I was still in shape. I assume I got them from playing soccer but they have caused me to be self conscious ever since. Now they are triple what they were and it makes my hate for them even stronger. I look at pictures of just a year ago and thing I wasn't skinny but I felt good and thought that Hey! I'm pretty in that picture, but now ugly is not even the word for what I feel. I just feel like if I can't change my thinking and attitude that these last nine weeks are going to drag and I'm going to be miserable. I have heard of women that absolutely love being pregnant and that is what I always wanted.
Along with image issues, I'm starting to get nervous about birth, breastfeeding and everything that comes with parenting. With her arrival coming up fast I realize that she has to COME OUT. I really am praying hard for a smooth labor. I do not want a c-section. I would just be so disappointed if that happened. Surgery does not sound like any fun so I'm hoping that I can push this baby out on my own. I also plan on breastfeeding but am worried I won't be able to do it. My mother did not breastfeed and my older sister only did it for a short time before switching to formula and I really want to be able to do it. It's so much better for her and cheaper so I'm really praying that I am able to bear the initial pain of it and become a pro.
One last thing to discuss is probably just a woman topic but my libido is at a negative 10 and has been since the beginning of this pregnancy. I've read books and talked to other woman and I know each pregnancy is different and that some women are extremely active intimately and others could care less. I'm the later of the two and man does it make me feel guilty. It's not even that I don't want to it's more that I can't without wanting to cry because it's painful. I can't even imagine having to get a baby out at this point. I'm even nervous for my 36 week appointment for when they start checking me for dilation. I feel totally and completely sorry for my husband. I feel like I'm a terrible wife for being so distant but it's not on purpose! I just keep reminding myself that it's only nine more weeks and that this will all be over in the blink of an eye. I am trying my hardest to enjoy these last weeks but it's really not easy. I am definitely ready to meet this baby and finally start feeling normal again. I need to give this to the Lord and trust in him. I know he will get me through this and that I will look back on it and wonder what I was so worked up about when I'm staring at a beautiful baby girl. Faith and belief that it will all be ok is what I need to focus on and not all these petty things.
Does anybody else out there feel this way or did you feel this way when you were pregnant? I feel alone in this. Like an alien has taken over my body. If you have any advice or support it would be great! Also, prayers would be very much appreciated.
And just to make 31 weeks official here's a belly pic...
I actually know exactly what you mean. I have a 3 month old now, and when I was pregnant with her, I just could not wait for it to be over! It seemed so strange because I was ecstatic about being a mom, and then probably by the time I was around 30 weeks, I was more than ready to be done! HORMONES!
ReplyDeleteI'm happy to say, I feel much different now. Check out my post from earlier today, it explains : )
My prayers are with you!
http://daffodilsmomma.wordpress.com/
Awww Amanda it's going to be okay! I've never been pregnant but I've been working with families since I was about 15 and I've known a lot of pregnant women and it's different for everyone. I know that at least 50% of them if not more have had a really hard time in the last trimester whether their pregnancy was perfectly healthy or not. I hear it's just plain miserable. I've heard so many of them say that when they get to the point where you're at now they can barely recognize themselves and they start feeling awful and moody. It's perfectly normal. My own mother HATED being pregnant. She said she absolutely couldn't stand the feeling and she couldn't stand women that were happy being pregnant when she was so miserable and she wasn't sick either. Weight gain bothered her too though she gained very little overall. So I think it's just different for everyone. Don't feel bad that you're uncomfortable or moody. It doesn't mean that you're not thankful and it doesn't mean that you aren't happy. Your body is going through a lot right now and you're at that final stage where it's going to change the most and that's hard to deal with. What you're feeling is completely normal so don't beat yourself up over it too much. You shouldn't feel guilty.
ReplyDeleteAs for the stretch mark issue. Again I've obviously never been pregnant but I've had issues with them since high school myself on my sides and legs so you're not alone there. I've never really been overweight exactly either and I've still always had them. Maybe it is sports related. I was a gymnast and there was definitely a lot of stretching involved. Haha. I know it's no fun having them but they'll probably fade too once the baby is born and your body get more back to normal.
And about the last part. I'm sure Dustin understands. That's just another part of being pregnant and another result of all of the different hormones. I'm pretty sure most women don't want to be intimate much in their 3rd trimester because they are so uncomfortable and are often very sensitive. It'll be okay. It won't be this way forever. Maybe curl up on the couch or something and watch a movie or something that'll take your mind of of things for a little while, if that's possible.
Hang in there! It'll be over soon and as soon as you see her little face and you're holding her in your arms, nothing else will matter. It'll all be so worth it!
Leah,
ReplyDeleteYou are so sweet. Thank you so much for this. I really need these kind words right now. You made me cry, but in a good way! I've always been a pretty emotional person anyway. I definitely wear my heart on my sleeve and pregnancy has really tripled my emotions. I just need to keep looking towards the outcome of all this. Emma will be here before I know it and it's that moment that matters most. I just have to keep reminding myself it will be here SOOOOOON and eventually I will get back to normal. Love you girl!
Sounds like you had a lot to get off your chest! All I can say is freaking hormones are crazy and you cannot be held accountable for... ummm pretty much anything when you're pregnant. Hahaha.. But really, you're gonna be fine and that baby is gonna be beautiful! Also, the first time I took a "belly picture" I looked at it and cried cause it just looked like I was fat!
ReplyDeleteEverything you wrote is completely NORMAL. Yes you hear of women who loved being pregnant, blah, blah, blah. But I would be willing to bet that the majority of women do NOT feel that way. I felt the same way you did when I was pregnant. Especially in my 3rd trimester. I didn't want to wear makeup or anything, I felt so blah! In my 9th month I was the personal attendant in my cousin's wedding and I had to go shoe shopping. It took me FOREVER to find a pair of shoes I could squish my huge swelled up feet into. Two weeks after having Austin, those shoes were too big. You are not alone. It is a miserable time for many women and the pregnancy itself does not dictate the type of mom you are going to be. Don't start beating yourself up already! Once Emma is born all will be right with the world. You will feel better. I promise. Take it from someone who has been there. And of course you don't feel like having sex! Your body has been busy! And I'm sure your husband understands. You are bringing his (and your) child into the world and I'm sure he ADORES and LOVES you for it. You are already a good mom, you are making sure that your baby is getting the best it can inthe womb. Give yourself a break girl. Give yourself lots of rest the next 9 weeks and tackle the rest later. :o) And P.S. those stretch marks are your battle wounds. Wear them proudly! You are beautiful, inside and out.
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