This pregnancy is beginning to wear on me. I never intended for this blog to become my pregnancy/baby outlet but I don't do anything but sit at home these days and dwell on baby clothes, baby room, baby cuteness, baby weight, baby hormones and baby's arrival. I guess I just can't help it, plus this baby is the biggest part of who I am right now which results in baby posts. I never wanted this blog to bore people but honestly it's just the biggest part of what's happening in my life right now so until baby arrives these will be my main posts. Then I suppose it will be posts about baby is crying constantly and I'm exhausted, baby cuteness, baby's first bath, baby rolls over...somewhere in there I will just have to make time for posts about other things. Plus as long as I'm doing this for me as an outlet it doesn't really matter, right?
Today I need to vent. Lately, I have been feeling really guilty because I'm not enjoying this pregnancy as much as I should. When I was young, my dream and ultimate goal in life was to be a wife and mother. I couldn't wait to be pregnant. I would play house and have a big pillow under my shirt pretending I was pregnant. I can now say that it's definitely not what my 10-year-old mind thought it would be. When I found out I was pregnant I was immediately over the moon happy. I started thinking about what it was going to be like and if it would be anything like what I'd dreamed it to be. It didn't take long to realize I would be wrong. I have no reason to feel this way which makes it even harder to understand. I have had the EASIEST pregnancy of all time. No sickness whatsoever, no medical issues and a very healthy and perfect baby growing inside me. I do not take that for granted and am so thankful for it but I just wanted to be this jolly and glowing pregnant lady. It has literally made me feel like a completely different person. Almost like I don't even know who I am sometimes. I look in the mirror and don't even recognize myself. The weight gain is a part of this, I know that, but it's hard for me to accept. I've never been a small girl anyway and adding an extra 25 to 40 pounds is a lot for me to carry. Rolling over that 200 pound mark really hit me hard and made me feel even worse about myself. I have not one single stretch mark on my stomach, which is awesome, right? Well, the ones on my legs and sides make up for it and it's just so frustrating. Stretch marks and I go way back so it's not like they are a shock to me. When I hit my senior year of highschool I started to get them on my inner thighs and a few on my sides but I was still in shape. I assume I got them from playing soccer but they have caused me to be self conscious ever since. Now they are triple what they were and it makes my hate for them even stronger. I look at pictures of just a year ago and thing I wasn't skinny but I felt good and thought that Hey! I'm pretty in that picture, but now ugly is not even the word for what I feel. I just feel like if I can't change my thinking and attitude that these last nine weeks are going to drag and I'm going to be miserable. I have heard of women that absolutely love being pregnant and that is what I always wanted.
Along with image issues, I'm starting to get nervous about birth, breastfeeding and everything that comes with parenting. With her arrival coming up fast I realize that she has to COME OUT. I really am praying hard for a smooth labor. I do not want a c-section. I would just be so disappointed if that happened. Surgery does not sound like any fun so I'm hoping that I can push this baby out on my own. I also plan on breastfeeding but am worried I won't be able to do it. My mother did not breastfeed and my older sister only did it for a short time before switching to formula and I really want to be able to do it. It's so much better for her and cheaper so I'm really praying that I am able to bear the initial pain of it and become a pro.
One last thing to discuss is probably just a woman topic but my libido is at a negative 10 and has been since the beginning of this pregnancy. I've read books and talked to other woman and I know each pregnancy is different and that some women are extremely active intimately and others could care less. I'm the later of the two and man does it make me feel guilty. It's not even that I don't want to it's more that I can't without wanting to cry because it's painful. I can't even imagine having to get a baby out at this point. I'm even nervous for my 36 week appointment for when they start checking me for dilation. I feel totally and completely sorry for my husband. I feel like I'm a terrible wife for being so distant but it's not on purpose! I just keep reminding myself that it's only nine more weeks and that this will all be over in the blink of an eye. I am trying my hardest to enjoy these last weeks but it's really not easy. I am definitely ready to meet this baby and finally start feeling normal again. I need to give this to the Lord and trust in him. I know he will get me through this and that I will look back on it and wonder what I was so worked up about when I'm staring at a beautiful baby girl. Faith and belief that it will all be ok is what I need to focus on and not all these petty things.
Does anybody else out there feel this way or did you feel this way when you were pregnant? I feel alone in this. Like an alien has taken over my body. If you have any advice or support it would be great! Also, prayers would be very much appreciated.
And just to make 31 weeks official here's a belly pic...